Things that my family tell me to change:

"can't you walk in a straight line, your walking posture is ugly."

"don't laugh like that, it sounds irritating!"

"no one likes to see big smiles like that, don't show all your teeth out when smiling."

"eeee... your laugh sounds so fake and insincere, go change your laugh, and i'm not kidding."

"don't stutter, you sound retarded."

"you're in public! keep quiet, don't make so much noise!"

"do you need to wave so hard when you see your friends? a simple wave is so much more natural."

"you know chris, when people calls you 'loudspeaker', there must be some truth in it, and you must reflect on your own actions and think is it true that you are TOO loud?"

"don't shout in the house, you're very noisy."

and... (how can we EVER forget?)

"you look great in this!... if only you lose a few kgs."

"and so for goodness sakes... LOSE WEIGHT!"



irritating. so how much more must i change before i become your 'perfect' christina?

change change change. change is constant. change is good. but i've tried. i've tried to talk softer, i've tried to behave mature, i've tried to be demure and shy and everything darn thing that i'm not. i can't make it one day. it's just not me. leave me alone. i'll grow out of my immaturity eventually and behave like an adult for the rest of my life. why must i give up my own personality so that i can please others? as long as i behave appropriately at the right occasions... i'm allowed to be the 'loudspeaker' with my friends right?

but... is that what everyone thinks of me? am i really too loud? too noisy? then... why do people still tell me that they enjoy my company? are they lying to me?

do you (as in, ALL of you) love me because of what i did for you?
do you love me because of what i can become in the future (whatever THAT is...)?
do you love me because i'm someone you can laugh AT?
or do you love me simply because of who i am on the inside?

yesterday in service, we sang "One life one love" (a song that suddenly turned beautiful that afternoon XD). i've gotten my reassurance of my identity from God when i sang "Who am I, that you would know me from the start?" Knowing my identity in God is probably all that i need to know. But today i asked myself.... "Who am I" to my family? my friends? my cell group?

there you go. angsty entry. i'll return to my blog break.

Words of the *~PaRaNoId QuEEn~*
I am...???