well, this post is really dedicated to talking about God and all,
but i gotta say it, it's so closely linked to what happened to me.
so yeah, so about what happened?

well, put it this way.
i didn't have a good time in the holidays.
i admit. i hated the holidays so much.
everyday was a torment, another reminder why i hated what i was going through.

honestly, i'm sick of not being as cheerful as before...
at the same time, i'm sick of pretending to smile and tell everyone
when they asked me how i was, that 'i'm fine'.
there were many things in my life that i was real worried, annoyed,
depressed and pissed altogether.
but... they were things that i cannot share with my friends.
they were things that does not only involve me.

and to make things worse, things with chris haven't been all rosy posy.
mostly disagreement of ideas and issues and how importantly we view things.
sometimes it's great, and then it gets really sad.
on days like those, when my situation and chris both makes me sad...
my whole day feels like collapsing.
and i can feel so torn, so drained out, so frustrated, so helpless..

but recently, the past 2-3 weeks was reminder upon revelation upon reminder again.
there were things said so spot-on that it made my skin crawl.

first was A.R Bernard. he came, talking about about change (in general)
then he said something that caught my attention:
"We should never judge God's goodness because of our circumstances."
then i thought back about that time when i was struggling like now.
how... i never gave up on my circumstances and held so tight to God...
heart stirred once.

then it was bible study, when i learn about faith.
and about the different faiths and all.
once again i thought about how i had that faith in God...
it was so long then.
my old cell group W331 knows best what i went through then.
heart stirred twice.

something must be wrong, terribly wrong, i thought.
something is amiss, such that i am going through this trial and tribulation so badly.
i had some ideas why... though i'm not going to say it here =P
but then after bible study, walking to city hall,
i kinda figured out a reason why things weren't so pretty now.
it's not easy to admit out and confess to public what i've done wrong.
especially if they don't understand it.
so yeah, i'll keep that part to myself too.

talking to chris constantly, no matter how bad it hurts,
helps the situation too.
i hope we can pick up the broken pieces, torn hearts..
and mend each other back on track =)

but it was such a blessing that i had more control and perspective over my situation.
even if i spent my 3 months being so lost and wasted.
i'm going to make my last week of holidays worth it.

haha, but apparently God really wants to get this into my system well.
so there was... FESTIVAL OF PRAISE!!!
annual event and all.. went with a happy air.
true worshippers and Bob Fitts were great!

rain down... can't you hear the earth is shaking.
rain down... my heart is dry but still i'm singing.

2nd praise song was the song that italised above.
praise song leh...
but i cried.
and every year, without fail, i cry at this praise song.
it's a beautiful, up-beat song =)
but whenever i came to this point of singing 'my heart is dry but still i'm singing'...
it really talks about a side of our christianity not often sung by ppl.
so many times, at intervals, once in a while.. my heart gets dry.
yes, committed, loves God. but so dry...
and nevertheless you ignore the dryness in your heart and sing your heart out in praise.
then... that's where breakthrough comes.
it's so hard to explain unless experienced =)
a very memorable experience.

the speaker mark conner was good as well.
guess what he preached about? living a worry-free life. =)
the whole sermon was just for me =P
reminding me that yes, people contribute to your sorry state now,
but it's still up to us to get out of our emotions and not waste more time getting sad about it.
reminded to turn every worry into prayer.
reminded that it is IMPOSSIBLE to worry and be joyful at the same time.
and that really gave meaning to the verse 'and the truth shall set you free'.
you can't worry and be happy at the same time. pick one, pick the right one.

and finally, he shared this bit of perspective about how life is like cooking.
we may not like all the ingredients ALONE,
like oil, vinegar, garlic etc...
but when mixed together, the dish is delicious =O
and so often we say our lives should be better but,
without these bad things in our lives, how can we be so sure that our lives are for our good?

so.. yeah, i've got many more days to reflect and i pray that after all these,
EVEN if my circumstances remain the same as they are now,
i'll be joyful in God. =)

Words of the *~PaRaNoId QuEEn~*
rain down, my heart is dry but still i'm singing.