spare me all the lecture about 'i thought you said your blog won't be angsty anymore'.
if you don't let me say it here,
you won't hear from me why i refused to contact anyone yesterday.

elyn's right.
i am, or rather, i have to be a lot more stronger than this.
i mean, yeah it IS the first time i made my mom so angry that she...
but it's NOT the first time that i felt that God is gone,
or crying myself to sleep at 8 PM, wishing God will take me home RIGHT NOW,
neither is it the first time i thought about how much easier it'll be if i kept my mouth shut.
nor is it the first time that i felt that there's no way i can meet the world outside after this.

christina, christina... just when you said you want to help people.
look at you, so pathetic, waiting for people to help you AGAIN.
when will you ever grow?

i must've created some bit of drama (as usual *roll eyes*)
smsing people telling them that i won't see them for a while.
so sorry for overreacting again.
but during that... horrible time,
it really felt that i'll be lucky if i can get off this trouble with just being grounded for life.

i wish i can tell someone everything.
whatever i feel, whatever that happened, whatever that i really want to say in this blog.
but i don't dare. i'm so ashamed.
well, i just want to go and pray, to worship in church again.
because i don't hear God anymore.

The continuation of 'Battlefield'

today is the 86th day of battle, since 1st April 2008.
when finally, someone came to give me a second chance to win this war,
i thought that my battle is nearly over.
all i need to do is to await for victory.
but, i was too complacent.
i did everything on my own strength.

now, the enemy attacked me from behind, i fell.
confidence depleted, i lay on the grass,
muttering to only ONE in particular.
'i hope you're happy now.'

weakened, stripped from all confidence,
i stood, my knees trembling.
all over my body, i saw bruises, cuts, marks
made by sorrow, despair, rejection.
shame. guilt.
those were the newer injuries sustained.

fear came again, renewed and powerful.
it grips my heart and made me falter.
but i trudged along the trenches, looking for the destination.
i could be hallucinating now, but i hear my comrades cheering for me.
yes, i still believe my victory is near.

tell me You're still here, my dearest beloved commander, before i give up on all hope.

Words of the *~PaRaNoId QuEEn~*
how long more, dear God, before this ends?